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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Twelve Pounds of Christmas

The Christmas season is usually the time of our greatest gains of the year. I hope this little poem eases the pain. Merry Christmas.

Twas the first day of Christmas
With family gathered round
The table filled with pies and such
That adds one holiday pound

Twas the second day of Christmas
And the trimming of the tree
One too many egg nogs
Thus pounds two and three

Twas the third day of Christmas
I dash from store to store
Double latte with whipped cream
Old St. Nick brings pound four

Twas the fourth day of Christmas
Grandma’s fruitcake did arrive
Hope I get that brand new belt
To make room for number five

.Twas the fifth day of Christmas
And I’m in an awful fix
One too many chocolate Santa’s
I fear my pants can’t hold pound six

Twas the sixth day of Christmas
That divinity was heaven
I couldn’t eat just one or two
Now I’ve added on pound seven

Twas the seventh day of Christmas
And I’ve overfilled my plate
Mashed potatoes overflowing
Here comes pound number eight.

Twas the eighth day of Christmas
I’ll have to stand in line
To exchange this gift for a bigger size
To make room for pound nine

Twas the ninth day of Christmas
Go rest ye gentlemen
Watch football from your easy chair
Make room for pound ten

Twas the tenth day of Christmas
The stairs creak as I go down
To the fridge for a midnight snack
This will make the eleventh pound

Twas the eleventh day of Christmas
When one of Santa’s elves
Brought me a half a box of fudge
That quickly adds pound twelve

Twas the twelfth day of Christmas
As my wish list I revise
Now all I want from Santa
Is to fit a smaller size

Happy Holiday’s to all
Is the last wish I say
These twelve pounds of Christmas
Are gone come New Years Day

Sunday, December 11, 2011

On the night before Christmas...

If you have traditionally read Twas the night before Christmas at this time of year this poem may sound slightly familiar. I hope it makes you laugh. Merry Christmas to everyone.


On the night before Christmas and I just couldn’t sleep
So I lay in my in my bed counting sheep after sheep
The lambs all cooked to a perfect medium rare
Adorned a lavish table set with kings fare

As the family all rested dreaming of Christmas glee
I began to fret about vanilla crème Brule
With mama in her gown and I in my chef smock
Only nine hours till dinner says the bedside clock

When down in the kitchen something was awry
Had the kitten helped himself to my pumpkin pie?
I dashed down the stair to see what was the matter
And there lie in pieces mothers’ antique platter

On what will I serve guests on the morrow?
Perhaps Aunt Rabbit has one I can borrow
A stage for the ham and turkey and mutton
With succulent flavor, dressed cute as a button

The hour now seven and the family’s still a snooze
Prep time now march not a moment to lose
As a tight wound toy soldier I haste to work
To polish and peel times not mine to shirk

Truss turkey, bake bread, stir mac into cheese
Set table, print name cards, take a break now, oh please
Though my feet will swell and back sure to ache
I’ll take no rest till the last guest gets cake


In the oven goes the ham on the stove cooks the peas
Time to rest, not so fast I’ve gifts to wrap you see
Soon out of town family will fill up this house
With no room to stir for even a mouse

Now the house is a buzz children run to and fro
Is the casserole burning? Dear turn the oven to low
I’m thinking that next year we’ll go out to eat
But Christmas won’t be Christmas if the house stays so neat

Does Ole St Nick work as hard delivering toys?
As I do for this feast that my family enjoys?
I just can’t stop this grand old tradition
If so just think of the fun we’d be missin’

True I love a proper and prim set table
Like might exist in a Rockwell picture fable
And I love to have family year after year
Sit and share in the holiday cheer

This season can be hurried and the cooking a scare
But everything always gets done by a hair
As the last guest drives away clear out of sight
A Merry Christmas its’ been again tonight.